How to Have Productive Relationship Conversations with Your Partner

We’ve all been there. Something important is going down, and you need to connect with your partner. You bring up the topic, hoping it’s going to productive but BOOM. You’ve lost each other. Not only are you left without an answer to your original question, but now you’re fighting with the person you love. “Why can’t we have these “simple” conversations?! How do successful couples do it?” The answer: Successful couples repair.

When simple conversations begin to hurt, it’s because there is a pattern of disconnection that we can’t seem to exit with our partner. We’ve been unable to get repair. As a quick reminder - disconnection isn’t bad, it’s inevitable and a necessary ingredient for intimacy. Disruptions allow for growth, and tune us into the information necessary to course correct and come closer together. But if we don’t know how to bridge our gaps with deeper repair, we’ll miss the real reason why our conversations have stopped being productive and feel stuck between two bad moves: Either, (a) we’ll try talking our partner into doing something different, or (b) we’ll avoid the hard conversations so we don’t make things worse. In either case, we stay stuck and miss the moment of repair.

So how do we bridge the gap and start having productive conversations again? We break it down into four steps.

Notice When Disconnection Starts

The first step in having a productive conversation is to notice when it stops being productive. This sounds simple, but so many of us can get used to pushing through or moving on that we don’t recognize or verbalize when there is a problem.

We invite you to notice and say aloud when the conversation is taking a turn, and clearly tell your partner when you want to initiate repair. (“Oh wow - we really lost one another there. I want to get back on the same page. Let’s take a look at what just derailed us.”)

Explore the Emotions Underneath

Now that we’re slowing down to repair, the easiest place to focus is first on your own experience and perspective. What is this all about for me? How do I feel in this relationship right now? The goal is to tune into what is important for you, and happening in the moment. Am I angry, sad, hurt, scared? Do I feel misunderstood, disregarded, attacked, alone? Notice and put words to your experience, and as it comes into focus ask yourself: What does my heart really want my partner to know? Exploring our emotions and our core needs is essential to having the productive conversation.

Acknowledge the Impact on Your Partner

Once you’ve identified what you feel, ask yourself: How am I trying to communicate this feeling with my partner? Do I keep these feelings to myself, or try and tell my partner? These are the two main ways couples try to resolve conflict. We either push to talk and get change, or we retreat to avoid making things worse. Notice what your body does naturally here with your partner, and the good intention for pushing or going away.

We trust that your body has a good reason for protecting you (even if you’re not proud of what you look like in these moments), but we also want to vulnerably begin to see how your protection impacts your partner, despite your best intentions. Acknowledging aloud to your partner that you see how you impact them begins the process of reducing reactivity and rebuilding safety and trust.

Tune into Your Partner’s Experience

The last steps for having a productive conversation is to look at your partner’s experience with the same curiosity that you looked at yours. What is the all about for them? How do they feel in this relationship right now? Do they feel misunderstood, disregarded, attacked, alone? How does my protection accidentally fuel that message for them? What is their core need or longing?

When we can begin to be curious with our partner, trusting that they have good reasons for his or her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the conversation radically shifts and we can begin to see one another as teammates looking at a problem together (and united under a desire for repair), rather than opposing teams trying to win or get their point across.

Seek Professional Help

Despite your best efforts, it may be challenging to have these productive conversations. It can be beneficial to your relationship to seek help from a mental health professional. A couples therapist can help you organize these difficult moments, identifying the patterns that keep blocking you from repair, and create a space where you can start experience success with vulnerability again. Feel free to reach out to us and schedule a consultation with a couples therapist today!