How to Talk To Your Partner About Your Relationship
Communication is essential to every healthy relationship. But, it can become a bit more complicated when you want to communicate about the relationship itself. Maybe you don’t have a problem talking about other things, but you’re hesitant to open up about different aspects of your partnership.
It can be nerve-wracking to think about sharing more of your needs, wants, or concerns. But, by keeping them inside, you’re doing yourself and your partner a disservice.
So, what can you do to make talking to your partner about your relationship easier? How can you open up and enjoy the benefits of strong, healthy communication?
Notice the Pattern
To start the process of repair, we first want to notice and put words to when we feel disconnected. Confronting the pain or distance is what begins the process of repair. To help facilitate this, ask yourself ”How do I feel right now about my relationship?” Emotions are messengers - they are our body’s way of communicating important data to ourselves and others about what’s important to us and happening in our worlds.
Once you’ve identified what you feel, ask yourself “What do I want to do with these feelings? Do I keep them to myself, or do I express them to my partner?” These are two of the most primary ways partners respond to the threat of disconnection. We all do some of both, but for 80% of couples, one partner often pushes to talk more, and the other tries to avoid making things worse. How does your body naturally respond in moments of disconnection?
Acknowledge Your Longing
Once you’ve identified your coping style (moving towards or away from the disconnection), go a little deeper and ask yourself, “What do I really long for?” We all have longings in our relationship - to be appreciated, seen, understood, respected, comforted, and loved. Noticing the good reasons for why you do what you do (push to talk, or avoid) is one of the first steps in shifting our communication from stuck, blocked or reactive to successful, vulnerable connection.
Use “I” Statements
Playing the blame game is one of the biggest mistakes you can make when talking to your partner. If you’re having issues with your relationship, talk about them from the personal point of view that you’re noticing and making room for.
It can be tempting to use generalities like, “You always do this” or “You’re never home to hang out”. Instead of taking that approach, use “I” statements to tell your partner exactly how you feel.
Say something like, “When you spend extra time at work every day, I miss you and would like to spend more of our evenings together.”
See the difference? When you use “I” statements to talk about your feelings, your partner is less likely to get defensive. You’ll avoid an unnecessary argument, and you’ll likely get to resolve the problem quickly.
Remember You’re On the Same Team
No matter how things are going in your relationship, it’s important to remember that you and your partner are a unit.
You might not always want the same things. You might have different ideas on how to get things done. But, at the end of the day, you’re a team. Keeping that mindset when you communicate, especially about your relationship, will make resolving underlying issues easier and moving forward with things together.
It’s challenging to open up and be vulnerable, even in romantic relationships. Keep these tips in mind to take baby steps with open communication. It will strengthen your relationship, make conflict resolution easier, and bring you and your partner closer together.
Reach out to learn more about couples therapy and how we can help you and your partner strengthen your connection.