Do we Have to Talk about Sex in Couples Therapy?
The quick answer - YES!
Sex can be an awkward topic, even in couples therapy. This awkwardness stems from what we learned about it in our family culture, the lack of sex being a common subject to process with our community, and ways we might feel inadequate to the images of sex we grew up with, such as: Porn, social media, and magazines. By the time we’re adults, that data has formed our sexual expectations for ourselves and for our partners. This can cause a great deal of shame, sexual confusion, painful or scary sexual experiences, sexual discrepancy, and anxiety around what is and isn’t good sex. However, the problem isn’t in how we learned about sex, but in how we communicate what we learned and being open differentiate ourselves and our partners from that data through communication.
Healing Needs Communication Flow
Several years ago I had a shoulder injury from jiu jitsu practice. It was bearable at first, but after several months it wasn’t getting better. I finally went to a sports doctor who told me that there was a small tear in my tendon, which takes longer to heal because there is a small amount of blood flow. He gave me some exercises that optimized blood flow to this tear, which healed in a matter of weeks! This experience made it clear to me that the body will not heal unless there is blood flowing to the injury. In the case of sex with our partner - there can be no healing without communication flowing to the topic!
Sex is a Primary System
In couples therapy, there may be a myriad of things to talk about and sex is one of them. John Bowlby, the pioneer of Attachment Theory, describes three primary behavioral systems in our body that need a balance to have a healthy romantic relationship. These are the attachment system (the part of us that seeks closeness and security with others), the caregiving system (the part of us that nurtures and protects others), and the sexual system (that part that bonds us together and makes cute babies).
A Holistic Approach
Couples therapy tends to focus on the first two systems, while a certified sex therapist might focus on the last. However, couples therapy is in essence also sex therapy as it's focused on bringing the relationship to a healthier and happier state! When we talk about sex, and its meaning and/or importance to us, we can have those conversations that feel so vulnerable! We are able to bring blood flow into all parts of the relationship that allow for a more holistic flourishing experience (there’s a fun triple entendre for your day!). And the more we can synchronize in intimacy and sex - such as vulnerably sharing our longings and fears around sex, arousing sensations, foreplay, or maybe even getting the house clean before hand - the better the sex, bonding, and emotional connection you’ll have!
If you find that your sexual relationship may be leaning more towards the "unhealthy" side, fear not! You and your partner can work together with a mental health professional to work on "normalizing" sexual conflicts in the relationship. Reach out and schedule a couples session today!
