Low Sex Drive in Marriage
Why are we so different?
One of my favorite questions to ask couples in their first session is: “Is sex a strength in your marriage or not so much?”
For many couples, this question opens the doors to some of the loneliest places in their relationship. It’s like Katy Perry’s (2007) ”you’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes, and you’re no” …only it’s one partner banging their head against the wall trying to warm themselves by the sexual fire, while the other seems to be constantly dousing the flames.
The truth is that 80% of couples experience a sexual discrepancy.
In fact, desire discrepancy and low desire are two of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy.
It’s painful to miss one another here because sex is part of what makes marriage unique. It’s the one place where you can find each other and share something different, expose something sacred, reveal each other in a way that makes “the invisible, visible” (Theology of the Body, 19:4).
There’s a number of reasons why sex can become a battleground, but one simple way to think about it is through the dual control system.
Your nervous system has two subsystems that basically act like the accelerators and brakes of your body.
The brakes activate when your body says, “not good, not safe,” and subsequently shuts down all prosocial behavior (e.g., no hugging, kissing, sex, or play because we gotta get to safety). Conversely, when things look good and clear your body says, “green means go!” and not only do you feel more like yourself, but you have the freedom to play, explore, and jump into life like someone launching on a zipline.
…Our sexual system is exactly the same. You have sexual gas pedals and sexual brakes. For most couples affected by sexual discrepancy, the low desire partner seems like they don’t like or want sex at all…which isn’t true. It’s just that the body’s brake system is activated and has yet to be explored or become clear!
Brakes makes sense in context.
So if this is a lot like your relationship, our answer is simple: Your body and behavior makes sense in context. You may benefit from getting clear on:
Where the process breaks down between you
How to put words and context to your unique system (what activates your gas pedals and brakes) so you can share more vulnerably with your partner, and
How to synchronize your systems - body, heart, and soul.
Our goal is to help you reclaim sex as a strength - as a place where the invisible depth of connection can be made visible, and the resulting vulnerability cherished as a gift that nourishes your marriage for years to come. Learn more about our couples intensives or book a session with us below.