What Are Attachment Styles And Why Do They Matter?

Have you ever wondered why the same issues seem to be present in all of your relationships, no matter how new or different they are? The problem may lie within your attachment style. Attachment styles are patterns we form as children and relate to how we bond and connect with others. As babies, we form attachments with our primary caregivers, which ultimately determines how we build emotional connections as adults. There are four primary attachment styles.

The Four Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment

Feeling secure in relationships does not mean you don't have issues or difficulties. Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable expressing themselves and are willing to accept mistakes and seek help when needed.

• You appreciate your own self-worth and are able to be your most authentic self.

• You seek comfort and support from your partner but do not feel anxious when you are away from them.

• You can maintain emotional balance and stability.

• You have healthy conflict resolution skills.

As someone with a secure attachment, it is likely that your caregiver was engaged with you and consistent with their love and support during early childhood.

2. Anxious Attachment

People with anxious attachment tend to feel overly nervous and uncertain, lacking self-esteem. The anxiety can feel suffocating, constantly wondering whether or not your partner loves you or questioning your self-worth in relationships.

• You crave emotional intimacy but struggle with trusting your partner.

• Intimacy may consume your thoughts, and you only find yourself focusing on your partner.

• A lot of your self-worth relies on the well-being of your relationship.

• You need constant, excessive reassurance and attention, feeling anxious when you are separated from your partner.

It is likely that as a child, your caregiver was inconsistent, sometimes responsive to your needs and other times unavailable. This inconsistency may have left you feeling anxious about whether or not your needs would be met.

3. Avoidant Attachment

As someone with avoidant attachment, it is difficult to form emotional bonds with a significant other. You value independence and autonomy and often feel uncomfortable with intimacy.

• You feel that you do not need others.

• The more someone tries to grow closer to you, the more you pull away.

• You are uncomfortable with emotions, so you tend to keep yourself closed off or at a distance.

• You are more likely to disregard others' feelings, engage in affairs, and keep secrets.

Avoidance develops due to caregivers being emotionally unavailable or rejecting needs during childhood. You were forced to manage your own emotions and needs, becoming independent much earlier in your life.

4. Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment means you do not know how to self-soothe your emotions, so everything around you feels unsafe and scary.

• You find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling.

• You may be selfish, controlling, and untrusting towards your partner.

• You feel unworthy of love and affection, even though you crave closeness from others.

• You may experience problematic behaviors, such as aggression, violence, or substance abuse.

In childhood, it is likely you experienced trauma from your caregivers or another adult in your life. This may include physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect, and other traumas. Parents may have been the cause of fear in your life, so you now fear all relationships in your adult life.

Why Do Attachment Styles Matter?

Your attachment style can impact all areas of life. Relationship satisfaction, patterns of problematic behavior, and feelings of safety, fear, and insecurity can relate back to attachment. It is also possible that you may pass your attachment style onto your children if you decide to have them. Attachment styles are foundational aspects of how we relate to others, and it's important to understand and address them in order to live happy, fulfilling lives. If you feel you are having issues with your attachment style, seek help from a mental health professional today. Contact us to learn more about couples therapy.