Decoding Relationship Conflict: How EFT Can Help
Our brains are wired to perceive key moments in our relationships as crucial for survival, coding them as ‘life or death’ or ‘safety versus danger.’ This means the signals we send and receive from our loved ones have a profound impact. When our brains register danger, we can become trapped in predictable, negative patterns in relationships.
These patterns often emerge when we struggle to understand our own needs, how we affect our partners, and the sometimes confusing, mixed signals we send. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), identified three primary negative interaction cycles, which she calls “demon dialogues,” that couples frequently encounter when they struggle to connect safely. Understanding these patterns is the first step towards building stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
“Demon Dialogues”
Find the Bad Guy
In this pattern, both partners often ‘turn up’ the emotional volume, and in their pain, resort to accusations and blame to answer the underlying question, “Who started this?”. While the goal is self-protection, the result is typically mutual anger, a dead-end pattern of blame, and growing emotional distance. This might look like partners presenting detailed recounts of each other’s failures, arguments over the accuracy of those details, or a focus on pinpointing whose behavior started the fight.
Oftentimes, the more one partner attacks, the more the other partner hits harder back to prove them wrong, creating a circular, trapping spiral. However, rather than either partner being the villain, the true villain is the pattern that drives partners further apart.
Protest Polka
Often following the dead end of the “Find the Bad Guy” dialogue comes the “Protest Polka.” In this pattern, one partner might ‘turn up’ the emotional volume which often sounds like criticism, control, or complaints to fight for connection while the other partner ‘turns down’ the emotional volume which often looks like avoiding, defending, or stonewalling to prevent further escalation. Oftentimes, the more critical and demanding one partner becomes, the more one partner withdraws, perpetuating the disconnection.
Both partners have good intentions to protect the relationship, but their main moves create a loop where each move reinforces the next. As a result, both partners are often left feeling stuck and misunderstood without a good move to connect and move forward.
Freeze and Flee
After prolonged periods of being trapped in the “Protest Polka,” couples may enter the third demon dialogue of “Freeze and Flee.” Rather than escalated conflict, couples experience a mutual withdrawal pattern of retreating from each other to avoid further hurt and despair. This dialogue may sound like, “The more I suppress and shut down my feelings, the more distant you become.”
This mutual withdrawal can result in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, with each partner acting as if they don’t feel or need their partner, which makes “Freeze and Flee” the most dangerous dialogue due to the loss of emotional engagement resulting from the pain both partners have experienced.
Moving Toward Repair and Connection
Although every couple experiences these demon dialogues, there is hope to escape the effects they can have. Change starts with shifting our focus to see the full picture of what occurs in moments of disconnection, rather than focusing on individual snippets that keep you at odds with your partner.
The Pattern is the Enemy
When we recognize how we create the trap we are caught in, new beginnings start by seeing the pattern as the common enemy. When we can identify how our actions pull our partner into the pattern and hurt both them and our relationship, change begins by committing to break the pattern. When both partners resolve to halt the cycles of disconnection and gain the ability to identify and stop the demon dialogues before getting swept up in the spiral, stronger bonds grow and couples can discover new moves in a positive cycle of connection.
The Good News
In every relationship, demon dialogues and moments of disconnection are inevitable, even when couples have the best intentions. The good news is you and your partner can learn to repair these moments effectively. EFT can help you identify moments of disconnection as the common enemy, understand the pattern and the underlying emotions driving the pattern, and develop new, positive ways of interacting.
If you find yourself trapped in these demon dialogues, know you are not alone. EFT can provide the support you need to break free from these destructive patterns and build a stronger, more connected relationship.
Schedule a consultation today to learn more about EFT and how it can help you and your partner reconnect!
