Heart to Heart: Finding Connection in Our Hardest Moments (and Maybe, a Little Divine Inspiration)
Have you ever felt truly in sync with someone? Like your hearts were beating together, even if just for a moment? That feeling of deep connection, when you just get each other, is something we all crave. In our clinic, we see this happen all the time, especially when couples begin to organize what has kept them blocked, and reach to each other from a deeper, more vulnerable place. This connection is not just a feeling. Science shows us that when we open up to each other, something amazing happens: our bodies start to synchronize.
The Science of Connection: Heart Rates and Vulnerability
Researchers have looked at what happens to our bodies when couples talk about the things that really matter, in a vulnerable way. They've found that when couples look into one another’s eyes and share their fears, their longings, and the times they've felt hurt, their heart rates start to mirror each other. It's like a dance - a silent understanding that goes beyond words, but biologically brings the couple into congruence with one another. This isn't just about having a nice chat or turn-taking; it's about bravely touching pain and reaching to your partner from that space. When we do this, we create a doorway for real empathy and understanding, that our partners can feel in their bones.
Think of it like this: when you're feeling scared or uncertain, and someone you love reaches out to you with kindness, your body relaxes. Your brain knows you're safe. This is what we call "coregulation." It's a fancy word for how our bodies help each other feel calm and secure. And when we feel safe, we can connect on a deeper level. This biological mirroring we see in moments of vulnerable connection can be seen as a reflection of an even deeper kind of connection - one that transcends the physical and emotional world, but touches the spiritual as well.
A Deeper Kind of Connection: The Trinity and Perfect Love
In the Catholic faith, there's a concept called the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It's a way of understanding God as a perfect relationship, a constant flow of love and understanding between three parts of one whole. Each member of the Trinity is completely open and transparent, and responds reciprocally - in perfect synchrony and harmony. God the Father offers us this deep type of love as well, and has created us in His image to mirror the inner life of the trinity in our closest relationships.
In Theology of the Body, Pope John Paul II describes the beauty of our creation, stating:
“Seeing each other reciprocally, through the very mystery of creation, as it were, the man and the woman see each other still more fully and clearly than through the sense of sight itself, that is, through the eyes of the body. They see and know each other, in fact, with all the peace of the interior gaze, which creates precisely the fullness of the intimacy of persons” (TOB 13.1).
Just like the Trinity, we can strive for deep unity and connection in our own lives - where we can be seen and loved, naked and unashamed. In so doing, Pope John Paul II says spouses have the unique ability to make the invisible reality of God’s love visible in their marriage, time and time again.
Love in the Real World
So, how does this help us in our own relationships, especially when things get tough? Well, it reminds us that even when we're hurting (or maybe, especially when we’re hurting), we can make visible the invisible reality of God’s love through vulnerability. In fact, when we're brave enough to share our pain, we give our partners a chance to truly understand us - to synchronize with us. And when we understand each other, we can build a stronger, more loving bond that offers us a safe haven from the ups and downs of life, unifying us physically, emotionally, and spiritually - not in spite of our imperfections but amidst them.
Practical Steps to Build Connection:
Be present:
Put away distractions and focus on connecting with each other.
Notice your feelings:
Take some time to notice “what is this all about?” with special attention to what it’s like when you hold this feeling (e.g., heavy, sharp, scary, overwhelming, sad). Share the feeling with your partner.
Look into your partner’s eyes when reaching:
As you prep to share from this vulnerable place, let the feeling come into focus and look into your partner’s eyes. It may seem small but this is a game changer!
Listen open-heartedly:
If listening to your partner, listen with your heart open. Notice what it’s like when you hold their feeling (is it heavy for you too? Do you feel the sad, scary, or hurt? Where in your body do your feel this?) Share how your heart responds.
Seek help when needed:
If you're struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist or counselor for couples therapy.
Connection is a fundamental human need. We all want to feel seen, heard, and loved. By being vulnerable and open, we can create deeper, more meaningful relationships. And who knows, maybe we can even catch a glimpse of that perfect love that the Trinity represents here-and-now with the person who matters most.
Do you long for deep synchrony in your marriage?
