What is "Normal" Fighting for Couples in a Healthy Relationship?

Anyone who says they have a "perfect" relationship, where disagreements never happen, are definitely living in a fantasy. Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of any healthy relationship. But how do you differentiate between "normal" fighting that is a part of a healthy partnership, and a conflict that may indicate deeper issues?

The Reality of Conflicts

Fighting is not inherently bad. In fact, it can actually be an important aspect to functioning, healthy relationships. Disagreements arise because two people have differing perspectives about a situation. However, the presence of conflict does not determine the health of relationships, it is how the conflict is handled that matters.

Healthy couples recognize that conflict is a part of life. They understand that there are opportunities for growth, either individually or together. You never want to avoid conflict, but rather approach it in respectful ways that focuses on finding solutions.

What Does "Normal" Fighting Look Like?

1. Respect: Even during disagreements, there is still an underlying respect for one another. Name-calling, belittling, or insults have no place in conflict resolution. Couples may raise their voices or express frustration, but you want to avoid crossing the line of blatant disrespect.

2. Focus on the Issue: In a healthy argument, the focus needs to remain on the issue at hand, not attacking one another. Instead of accusing your partner of being selfish or causing issues, express feelings through "I" statements.

3. Listen: Active listening is a component of healthy fighting. You must be willing to listen to the other person's perspective in order to come to a solution. Listen to understand, not to respond.

4. Take Responsibility: It can be beneficial for both partners to learn to take responsibility for their part in the argument. Rather than blaming one another, own up to mistakes and work on ways to move forward.

5. Compromise: Healthy conflict sometimes means a solution cannot be found. There does not necessarily have to be a "winner" of an argument. Compromises are needed to find a solution that suits both partners.

6. Apologies and Forgiveness: Once the heat of the moment has passed, healthy couples are able to apologize sincerely to one another and offer forgiveness. They do not hold grudges or resentments towards one another to use in future fights.

When Does Fighting Become Unhealthy?

Now that you know what healthy fighting looks like, it's equally important to know when conflict becomes unhealthy.

• Physical or Emotional Abuse: Physical abuse, such as hitting, pushing, and choking, or emotional abuse, such as threatening, manipulation, and intimation, are signs of unhealthy relationships.

• Contempt: When a person is speaking to the other with contempt, distain, or sarcasm, it indicates an underlying issue. It can be dangerous to speak to your partner as if they are beneath or worthless to you.

• Stonewalling: If one partner shuts the other one out and refuses to engage in the discussion, it does not allow for healthy resolution, and can lead to resentment.

• Chronic Fighting: If conflicts seem to be never-ending with no resolutions, it may be a sign that the relationship needs some help.

The Benefits of "Normal" Fighting

1. Improved Communication: Fighting can highlight communication gaps and areas of growth, prompting couples to work on better ways to express their needs and listen.

2. Deeper Understanding: By addressing underlying issues during fights, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's values, fears, and desires.

3. Emotional Intimacy: Working through conflict requires vulnerability, which can increase intimacy. Sharing feelings, especially when they are difficult, helps couples feel closer.

4. Growth: Conflict offers an opportunity for relational growth. Couples who can navigate conflict successfully find that their relationships evolve in positive ways.

If you find that your relationship may be leaning more towards the "unhealthy" side, fear not! You and your partner can work together with a mental health professional to work on "normalizing" conflicts in the relationship. Reach out and schedule a couples session today!